Work hard and fall apart?

I’ve been working almost every day for over a year now. No breaks. No New Year’s Eve, no birthdays, no nothing. Even when I’m “resting,” my brain is running: What’s next? What do I need to post? What painting is unfinished? What WIP to upload? What will make people who support me happier? What deadlines are are coming up?
I’ve been drawing and painting for hours every day. Sometimes eight hours a day. To the point where my back failed me.
You people, my curators, my friends and my candy babies keep praising my skill — and I’m grateful — butthat doesn’t feel right because I’m not necessarily more talented than anyone else. I just work. A lot. Too much. Sometimes obsessively. Sometimes because I genuinely love it and I love you. And I want you to get excited like I get when I got something new I wanna work on, and I wanna show you.
Lately, I’ve been crying a lot. I’ve started crying randomly. In the middle of eating. While scrolling. After getting a text. It’s like all the little things — my horrible neighbors from hell noise, small inconveniences— become unbearable. Because I have nothing left in me to buffer them. And I’ve been feeling like I’m scared of joy. That maybe I avoid things that could make me feel good, Like I’d rather keep working or staying tense than loosen up and be vulnerable to actually having a good time. Because what if this one moment of losing focus destroys everything? Or what if I don’t deserve it? And when I’m not numb, I’m overwhelmed. Everything feels too much. I know I’m probably burned out.  

So lately I’ve been thinking about what I could do to help myself. Not to make myself more productive. Not to be “better” or bounce back stronger. Just to feel more human and be able to give you more of myself.

I thought I’d share some things I’m considering in case you’re feeling like this too. I know I’m probably not gonna end up doing them but you know…

1.      A real break. Not a day off where I still scroll or sketch or plan posts. Like an actual pause. Maybe even a weekend offline pretending it is 1994. (possible, but deadlines)

2.      Creating just for myself. Drawing weird things that no one will ever see. Or scribbling in a journal. Something useless. (not likely. I share journals and sketches with you, especially with candy babies subscribers)

3.      Doing something badly on purpose. Something I’m not “good” at. (I know I’m not good at many things and I know how to not do them. I suffer with perfectionism I could never do that)

4.      Letting joy be small. A nice pen. A silent moment. A cold drink. (possible, I’d love to do that)

5.      Talking honestly with someone who won’t try to fix me. A friend who listens. (possible, I mean this post is kinda that?)

If you’re here, if you’re reading this, maybe we can just admit together that we’re tired. That it’s okay to feel broken. That even beautiful things like art and passion and dedication can drain you if you’re not also taking care of your spirit. And I want to believe that we don’t have to get hospitalized before learning to breathe. We deserve joy before exhaustion.

If you’ve been through this, or if you’re here now, feel free to share what’s helped you. I’m listening.